Don't make out with my wife yet
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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