Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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