ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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