i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
