You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
