ugly people sure do ruin things
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
