so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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