I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
