listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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