Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
