well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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