You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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