After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
