The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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