I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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