I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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