i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
