chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
