remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
ok first of all what the fuck
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
