Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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