I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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