Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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