She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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