you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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