What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
