When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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