Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
