I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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