dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
