the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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