I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
