this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
