Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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