The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
