I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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