just tell him i said nine months
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
