oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
