dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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