all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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