If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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