Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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