He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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