I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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