I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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