The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
