When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
