you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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