Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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