someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
