we made out on top of his cat.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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