3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
