stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
