Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
