I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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