watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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